I reckon I’m everyone of the 8 in 10 people who will experience back pain sometime in their sorry lives. I’ve suffered from this annoying condition for most of my adult life and to tell the truth I’m well pissed-off.
It’s like it has a life of its own. Like back pain is a living breathing entity with a sick sense of humour. A bad joke taking enormous pleasure in arriving on all those important occasions. Occasions when the last thing that you want to look like is Quasimodo, bent from the waist, dribbling and grunting with the pain. All I can say is thank God the invitation to collect my CBE (Crap Back Engaged) hasn’t arrived yet, the last person I would want to upset is Her Maj.
Over the years I have tried every pill and potion to soften the effects of back pain you can think of. From heat treatment (hot baths, ‘Deep-Heat’) to cold treatments, (packs of frozen peas to blocks of your actual ice).
I’ve tried stretching, tai chi and the old favourite, ‘walking it off’ which is complete rubbish and total agony. People have told me that ‘bed rest’ is the worst thing for it and ‘you must keep moving’, when in fact lying in one’s pit doing nothing, has been the only thing that actually goes some way to relieving the pain (it’s getting up that is the problem). I’ve tried all kinds of therapy from manipulations to having a close friend walk across my back. If none of the following work…
…then I’m seriously thinking of going to see a witch if I can find a dark forest with a gingerbread house deep in its heart. I’m ready to swallow anything to stop the pain. A toad, a spider mixed with the venom of adder or even a pint of gnat’s piss. Bring it on.
The truth is, it is no laughing matter, I hate the bastard that is back pain coming upon me just when I don’t need it. For instance, I have to go to hospital today for a pre-op (another story) and I’m going to be stumbling into the waiting room looking like something out of ‘Young Frankenstein’. ‘Hump? What hump?’ and you know what? The moment my appointment is over, the second I leave the confines of the hospital the pain will vanish as mysteriously as it came upon me.