It’s a funny old thing, marriage/partnership isn’t it (no need to answer). I refer of course to that ‘magical moment’ When Two become One (*cough).
And boy doesn’t it creep up on you. You’re sort of plodding along getting on with your own life probably having quite a good time if the truth were known. Living life to the full and using up every minute, every second of your short time on the planet when…boom!
You know what I mean…right?
A Mister or Miss decides for a reason known only to God, that now is a good time to poke their nose in and interrupt a lifestyle (with its ups and downs admittedly) that was working out near-perfectly well.
You were, but are not anymore, ‘having a laugh’. And as everyone with any sense knows, ‘having a laugh’ is what it’s all about. ‘Having a laugh’ is the secret to life. And Your Life was good. You were your own man. You were…(perish the thought), enjoying yourself. You were basically doing what you bloody well liked…and why not? As long as you didn’t hurt anyone and cleaned up the vomit after you…
Work, have a laugh, work, have a laugh, work etc…etc…and then…and then…something quite annoying happens.
Something, or to be more precise, someone comes along (in most cases a member of the opposite sex, but in this enlightened age, not always) and ‘ruins’ everything. Totally unexpected. A total shock. And their unexpected arrival is a marking post. It means whether you like it or not, a massive change is afoot. Both physically and mentally. All is not now and ever more shall be so, what it used to be.
The ‘symptoms’ or to put it another way, ‘the warning signs’.
You will feel ridiculously ‘warm’ inside…happy but puzzled as to why. As, Amy Winehouse sang so beautifully…‘what kind of fuckery is this’?
Life will never be the same. Even your much treasured erections become somehow ‘different’. Mr Penis stops being a joke and something you wave around to make your friends laugh and becomes instead a literal extension of your love…’meaningful’. (Is nothing sacred? No. This is serious stuff).
You will ‘make special time’ for this new person in your life. All other concerns will take second place. Your so-called ‘Friends and Buddies’ will slowly dissipate, fading away in fear of catching what you have caught.
Time itself will appear to have slowed down. There will be moments that can only be described as being like those sickly slow-motion segments in films when two lovers run towards each other. The word ‘surreal’ springs to mind.
When Two become One.
Unfortunately, (and from this there is no escape), you will become, very, very, silly.
You will say stupid things that are best not repeated here, and for the first time since you were whacked by your dad for not eating your dinner, you will cry. Often. Get used to it.
Life will take on an unpleasant hue. If it were a colour it would be ‘sick yellow’. If it were a noise it would be an industrial drill. You are, as most twats will tell delight in telling you, well and truly, ‘In Love’.
The crazy enjoyable rhythm that was your hectic and yet fulfilling life will be completely out of kilter. It will be as though it never existed. And before you know it, the years will have passed as though in fog. Blurred and slightly damp.
Suddenly and without warning you find yourself and the cause of all your problems, featuring in the local paper being celebrated as having been together ‘happily’ for – – (fill in the blanks) years, without a cross word. It is all bollocks, lies and a serious consequence of when Two become One.
Interestingly, the photograph that they will print will tell a different story to those wise enough to see beyond hyperbole and fake news. It will be a photograph that you will not recognise. ‘Who are these two zombies smiling toothless, wrinkly, inane grins at the camera’ you will ask?
If you look beyond the wizened, claw-like, grasping fingers, and into the eyes…you will get your answer.
A different story. The TRUE story. Not the when Two become One scenario. You will see it in the eyes…
‘If only…if only’.
It must be in our DNA. This strange desire to stop everything and drastically change your once comfortable lifestyle into one of constant struggle and pain. It can only be compared to self-harming. There you were having a reckless time, drunk yes, but happy, when suddenly something within says, STOP!
Stop that smiling immediately. How dare you laugh! You think this is a happy place? Well…we’ll soon put a stop to that. I’d like to introduce you to, xxxxxxxx.
Get real Fool.
It’s time to get miserable, time to begin worrying about where the next penny is coming from and time to despair over the kids you will more than likely have whether you wanted to or not. It’s that time to move a step up the ladder and allow the spotty youths below you to take up the mantle and have a good time in your place.
Your time is done.
You my friend must become…sensible…sad…miserable…and bald.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.