In the current hot weather I resemble a barrage balloon. Soon I will take to the skies. Much more heat and my expansion will become a wonder to see. I look like something out of Madame Tussaud. Wax-like and shiny I struggle to move in my usual poetic fashion. As I drag myself around I leave a trail of melted cheese which old folk, if not careful will trip over and break their hips. I am so much a danger to the general public, that it is best for all that I stay inside. Naked. This curmudgeon’s relationship, my relationship with the current hot weather situation here in the UK, is nil. Indeed, it is so bad we are not talking.
I cannot breathe, and I hurt all over. My tongue resembles the soul of my shoe. My toes are sausages and if I take on any more water I shall burst like the fat skin dam I am. To all those that care, I am quite possibly dying.
All right for some.
Meanwhile as the memsahib luxuriates in the postage stamp sized piece of ground we call ‘garden’, I bubble and boil. I am encased in an over-heating mass that does not belong to me. It sticks to me. It feeds off me. If this heat penetrates into my head-space and gets to my brain, I will certainly die.
At the moment, me and my consciousness cower like vampires in the cool, dark recesses of my brain hoping we remain undiscovered. All of the time both of us knowing that ‘my body’ must survive the sticky onslaught until the rains come and we can go outside again. We talk of happier days as my consciousness plays me recordings of rain storms.
What I’m trying to say here is, I hate the heat. My relationship with the current hot weather situation on a scale of 1 to ten, with ten being hateful, is eleven.
Why we go on holiday to the Canary Islands I do not know. Spain was even worse. Nothing green (except for some dubious insects) as far as the eye could see.
I am made of water and am in a constant battle to not evaporate, therefore isn’t it obvious? If I did evaporate I would come back as rain, (if I remember my geography lessons correctly). This should tell us something.
The current hot weather situation is…wrong.
WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE WET.
And by that I am not referring to sweat.
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