I’m afraid after recent shocking revelations about my health from people who know about these things (Heart attack? What heart attack!?), I have to admit my thoughts have been turned towards the great hereafter. Not that, that is something new. As you know I am a curmudgeon and with that condition naturally comes heightened pessimism. Miserabilism (is that a word) has always been my path way. So it follows quite naturally for me that after the news and apart from the odd day, I have felt quite middle-of-the-road(ish)- about the Great Equaliser, the not-so Grim Reaper. And I came to the conclusion some time ago, that if there is life after death (discuss), all will be fine as long as there is flying.
I can think of nothing better than discovering that in the after-life we can all fly. The ability to soar above the skies (see ‘Minecraft) would be fantastic and more than enough reward for being such a nice guy. There are however one or two provisos. The flying thing would be as I have already stated be fantastic, as long as it includes some sort of gritty reality. What I’m saying here is I don’t want to find myself in this Life after Death floating above forests that are pastel coloured because they are made of the contents of a sweet shop. So. No pastel colours please. Or candy forests and lemonade lakes. Or animals that talk.
…which is my biggest fear regarding life after death…
And that is why, although I was at one time an Anglican Priest, I now reject the teachings of the Christian Church. That is not to say I don’t believe in the Big J, it’s just the way he is represented by the official Church that I find nauseating and boring. Too much talking and too many words. Ask me to re-write the Bible and I’m afraid it would have one page on which it would say…
But enough of this…more on life after death.
This heavenly boredom that I write of and fear, would also have to include the meeting of long-dead relatives. You know the ones that pissed you off when you were both alive. It would seem incredibly spiteful and unlike the Big JC I hope to know and become matey with, to be re-introduced to say, Uncle Ernie (see The Who) who used to bounce you around suspiciously, on his lap.
I can think of nothing worse than a huge dinner party held to welcome your arrival, peopled with those who when they had blood coursing through their veins, did nothing but abuse your good nature. But then again…
Remember…Love one another?
What a test this dinner party would be. A new party game, ‘Forgive and Forget’. A sort of spiritual Snakes and Ladders. If you can’t find it in your ‘heart’ to forgive…down, you go. Talk about sorting the wheat from the chaff.
So, what would be good and if you ask me sensible in the hereafter, would be a quick hello to those that you have loved. A swift, ‘Hey mum it’s me’ would be nice. Of course, one wouldn’t want to be rude so this could be followed by a ‘Yes thank you. I had a good trip, although the traffic was a bit heavy on the Heaven 17’ (see what I did there?). Even a…’I don’t mean to be rude mum but if you don’t mind I’d like to try out this flying thing as soon as poss’ would be acceptable.
Actually, remembering, knowing my mum like I do, she’d probably raise her eyebrow, frown and say, ‘All right, fly away but make sure you’re back in time for dinner’.